It’s no secret that we allow Sausage to watch TV, and there are a few firm favourites which will always get airtime, shows like Peppa Pig, Waybuloo, In the Night Garden, Yo Gabba Gabba, ZingZillas, and best of all, Octonauts, to name but a few. But there are those shows which I find so desperately irritating, that I try to steer Sausage away from watching them, for the sake of my own sanity. Without further ado, here are my Top 5.
If I could meet Dora in real life, I would have just one question for her: “WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SHOUTING?!” Seriously, did nobody teach her about using her indoor voice? And if that wasn’t bad enough, the bi-lingual irritant then starts shouting at me in spanish. Not that I have a problem with spanish, but it’s bad enough when she shouts in a language that I can understand, let alone one I can’t. Do us a favour, Dora, take a fricking chill pill, find your internal volume control and ask your mate, the BackPack, to think of a less irritating song. Ta.
If there’s one thing that is sure to make me despise a children’s TV show, it’s the wide-eyed patronisation of its viewers, the assumption that most kids are dribbling morons and only understand one-syllable words. Meet Chris and Pui. They fart around with stuffed animals for 30 minutes in their playroom (why do two grown ups have a playroom full of pre-school toys?) and treat your kid like a moron. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Pui was the actor inside Teletubby Po.
Mister Maker is exactly the type of show I would have loved when I was a kid. As an adult, I despite Mister Maker and the whole premise of the show. Some fat cat at the BBC said “I know, let’s make a show which teaches children how to make rubbish, generic ‘art’, based on the assumption that every family has it in their budget to buy £50 of craft materials a week and saves every empty container that ever passes through the house. And to make it even better, we’ll front it with the worlds’ most irritating presenter. It’s sure to be a hit!” The bloke who plays Mister Maker, Phil Gallagher, appears to have gone to the Dustin Diamond school of acting, as his idea of being ‘down with the kids’ is to talk as though his voice is breaking and he has an unfortunate facial palsy.
I can’t even begin to explain how ridiculous the premise of this show is. Basically, Grandpa, (played by James Bolam who, frankly, I thought would know better) lives with his Grandson, and owns a magical shrinking cap which allows him to shrink down and get into all sorts of magical scrapes, because as well as allowing him to shrink, this magical cap also allows him to turn ordinary toys into working vehicles. The other inhabitants of the village are generally involved, including Mr. Liker Biker, played by none other than Mister Maker himself, who acts as though he was dropped on his head as a baby, and an inventor who is clearly senile. It really is the worst kind of crap, and for some inexplicable reason, no one else must know about the shrinking cap, so every single poxy episode revolves around the irritating kids trying to cover up for his granddad. YAWN.
If it’s ageing musicians with no conversation skills your kids are after then tune into The Bopps. These ill-advised fuckwits, who inexplicably cannot talk, but have no trouble with singing (although I say no trouble, it’s no trouble if you like the sound of a bag of cats being swung against a wall) march around, getting themselves into minor scrapes wearing strange multicoloured satin versions of a Beatles-esque uniform and singing songs which seemingly have no relation to any theme of the show. The female singer, who wears satin pedal pushers *shivers*, has a mouth like a cats bumhole from what has obviously been a long love affair with the fags and the other three look like geography teachers with the shittest hair you’ve ever seen. Even Sausage shouts “OH NO, NOT THE BOPPS” when it comes on telly.
I can’t let this post go without giving an honorable mention to the bedtime song on Nick Jr, The Jimmer Jammers. I won’t go into detail about the hideously off-key singing, the children who look strangely possessed, or the set which wouldn’t look wholely out of place in Beetlejuice, I’ll just let you see for yourself.