In a move that made me feel a bit like a drug dealer (Go on, the first hit is free…and WHAM, you’re hooked) I’ve convinced the lovely Tas (@mcai7td3) to do a guest post for me, seeing as she’s clearly my soul mate when it comes to cleaning. Here’s her first, hilarious, foray into blogging, which I predict will turn into a full-blown addiction!
Everyone knows life with babies can be a bit hectic. Sleepless nights, school runs and baby puke usually has you tired and grumpy. And a house that looks even more tired and grumpy. Occasionally, you get a rare precious couple of hours where the house is a mess, but the baby is asleep so you think “Stuff it! I deserve a rest”. You make yourself comfortable with a cup of tea and an episode of something lame like Coach Trip. Silence. Bliss.
This is usually when Nosey Visitors will announce they would like to visit. That day. Because they are passing by and thought it would be “nice” to just “pop in” to see the baby. What the?! Crap. Not only do I look like a zombie who hasn’t showered for a week but the house looks like a baby shop, and all my washing and coats have exploded in every room. Oh, and it also happens to be the day after the OH pulled everything out his wardrobe looking for his footy top and “promised” he would put it all back tonight.
Now, Nosey Visitors usually have a habit of wanting to have a peek at the whole house. They will either ask for a) a tour or b) to go to the bathroom and have a quick wander upstairs. I was guessing my visitor would fall into the latter category and panic set in about how to go about cleaning the whole house in an hour, with a (now crying) baby in tow. So after about 5 minutes of fretting, cursing my luck, and willing the mess to clean itself, I decided to fake clean.
Fake cleaning involves a lot of pushing and shoving and you need to be quick! The results are good though and by the end of it you have a house that is semi decent and at least presentable. It doesn’t unfortunately make you look any more immaculate. More like a sweaty mess that looks like an unwashed zombie. Alas, you can’t have everything.
Anyway, if you want to fake clean it goes a bit like this:
Where are you going to sit them? Living room? Right then GO – pick up everything and shove into cupboard under stairs. Bang the door shut and make a mental note to remind OH not to open it, lest he collapses under the avalanche of stuff that fall on top of him and traps him.
No time to hoover? Fear not. Scan the room and pick up visible fluff from the carpet. Scatter toys strategically if you have even less time and place baby on a massive play mat that is guaranteed to hide some of the mess.
Remember, Nosey Visitors will follow you into the kitchen when you offer to make them a cup of tea. Yes, no getting away from them. Make sure your sink is clean, at least. Dishes can be shoved into the dishwasher, oven or even fridge (the last one is most risky if they take milk. Try to open fridge without Nosey Visitor looking into fridge. Even harder, try NOT to let them get whiff of food that’s been in there for a few days that you really really must throw out! I’ll do it tomorrow, honest. Its bin-day tomorrow. I didn’t want to stink my bin up. Honest. What?)
Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, kitchen. No doubt the floor needs mopping. Quick, drop to your hands and knees and scrub any stains and dubious looking patches. You don’t have time to do it all, there’s upstairs yet! Done? Right, now to tackle upstairs…
(Remember to fluff pick whilst running up stairs!)
Bedrooms – Same shoving principle applies. Best way is to pick up a pile of clothes and hurl yourself (take a running jump if it helps), at an open wardrobe. Shove hard and close the doors quickly. Do not open again until visitor leaves and make another mental note to warn OH as soon as he gets home of risk of falling clothes. If you run out of space then under beds and IN bed is also good. (With the latter, you need to remember to pull clothes out before you actually retire for the night. Saves annoying muttering all round). Oh one more tip with the IN bed technique; remember to make some attempt to lay clothes fairly flattish. The last thing you want is for the Nosey Visitor to think, and then tell the world, that you are having an affair.
Bathroom – this one is slightly hard as it’s usually impossible to make a dirty bathroom look clean so real frenzied “go over everything with wipes” is usually best. A LOT of air freshener also helps.
Baby – smell for poo. Nope? Then you’re done! Wipe face with spit and tissue if there’s no time left. Johnsons wipes if you do have time / know where they are / they’re not in the now bulging cupboard under stairs.
Finally, run around the whole house with said air freshener and spray wildly. If you have seconds to spare then scrape your hair back into pony tail and wipe face. Look in mirror and rub frantically under eyes as we all know that reduces the “heavy bags” look.
There, done!! You have a semi decent house which you’re now only partially embarrassed about. When guest arrives remember to slip into conversation that you were just about to clean (Yes visitor, this is what I consider messy, muhaha). Oh and don’t sit too close. All that sweat worked up from the frenzied cleaning is probably drying up and starting to smell right about now. Chances are, now that you’ve cleaned everything they won’t actually want to see the house. They will probably also have super bladder strength and not even need the loo for the entire visit. Sods law, puh!
(Final tip – that muffled sound you can hear in the evening is your OH trapped under all the clothes that fell back out of the wardrobe onto him. Yes, you forgot to warn him. Well…don’t just sit there, go help!).
The Oyster is going from strength to strength, and continues to pick up awards for best buys from publications such as Mother and Baby, Practical Parenting, Which, and many web sites such as Made for Mums, etc.
rear axle in seconds, this versatile board can be used for your toddler to stand on whilst their sibling is in either the carrycot, car seat, or pushchair. When not in use you can simply lift up the Ride-on-Board and it will self lock upright and out of the way. The stroller will still fold even with the Ride-on-Board attached.
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