Humour · Parenting

Things You Never Think About…Until You Become a Parent

Things You Never Think About…Until You Become a Parent
  • Note to self; I must remember that Sausage has been eating lumps of red Play Doh, before I change her nappy and panic about all the red bits in her poo.
  • Hmm, I wonder if there’s a more practical way to deal with an attached child than to have them actually sitting on your lap while you pee?
  • Oh, wow, she moved over a bit, that means I now have FOUR WHOLE INCHES of my kingsize bed, all to myself!
  • I wonder if I can cut her hair/fingernails/toenails while she’s asleep, so I can avoid being kicked in the teeth/stabbed?
  • I wonder if Aunty Mabel actually took flying lessons so that they could get those shots where she’s flying the plane, or if it’s a man dressed in a wig and headscarf? Also, what happens if Pippin needs a pee or a poo while she’s in the air?
  • OHMYFUCKINGGOD, stepping on a Peppa Pig toy hurts more than stepping on a plug. A plug which has been sharpened for use as a weapon.
  • I wonder if I have time to wash my hair today? No? Okay, it’s only been a week anyway.
  • No, Mylene Klass, I will not be buying your range of kids clothing from Mothercare, on account of the fact that I don’t want to dress my kid as a miniature prostitute.
  • Wow, I actually empathise with the woman at the next checkout over who is trying to wrangle a screaming child whilst loading a weeks worth of shopping onto the conveyor belt. Because sometimes, kids scream, just because they feel like it.
  • Oh. My. Goodness. I had absolutely NO IDEA that is was possible to feel this much love for a person, and be so obsessed with their every move, like it’s an addiction and you just can’t get a big enough fix. In fact I think I might just go right ahead and explode and cover everyone with my insides which look like a big rainbow, covered in hearts and bunnies and sugary treats, all because I love my baby SO FUCKING MUCH.

Dedicated to Sausage, who makes my heart grow bigger, every day.

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